My Journey

The Easter Stories

2011-04-20T13:13:00.003-05:00

Like many of the stories in the Bible, there are several conflicting versions of what actually happened. www.easterquiz.com presents the Easter Story(ies) and shows the conflicting stories found in the Gospels. Here they are presented--

1. Who first came to the tomb on Sunday morning?

One woman (John 20:1)

Two women (Matt. 28:1)

Three women (Mark 16:1)

More than three women (Luke 23:55-56; 24:1,10)

2. When did she/they come to the tomb?

While it was still dark (Matt. 28:1, John 20:1)

After the sun had risen (Mark 16:2)

3. What was their purpose?

To see the tomb (Matt. 28:1)

To bring spices, they had already seen the tomb (Mark 15:47, Luke 23:55)

The body had already been spiced (John 19:39-40)

4. Was the tomb open when they arrived?

Yes (Mark 16:4, Luke 24:2, John 20:1)

No (Matthew 28:2)

5. Who greeted the women/woman?

An angel (Matt. 28:2-5)

A young man (Mark 16:5)

Two men (Luke 24:4)

No one (John 20:1-2)

6. Where were the greeter(s)?

Sitting on the stone outside the tomb (Matthew 28:2)

Sitting inside the tomb (Mark 16:5, John 20:12)

Standing inside the tomb (Luke 24:4)

7. Did the women tell what happened?

Yes (Matt. 28:8, Luke 24:9, John 20:18)

No (Mark 16:8)

8. When Mary returned from the tomb, did she know Jesus had been resurrected?

Yes (Matt. 28:7, Mark 16:10, Luke 24:6)

No (John 20:2)

9. Did the risen Jesus want to be touched?

Yes (John 20:27, Matt. 28:9)

No (John 20:17)

10. Was the risen Jesus recognized by all who saw him?

Yes (Matt. 28:9, Mark 16:9)

No (Mark 16:12, Luke 24:15, John 20:14)

11. When did Jesus ascend to Heaven?

The same day that he was resurrected (Mark 16:9, Luke 24:13)

Forty days after the resurrection (Acts 1:3)

Ascension not mentioned (Matt. 28:10, John 21:25)

12. BONUS: Which mythical character was the son of God, had a miraculous/virgin birth, died, and was then resurrected?

Mithra (Persian, c. 6000 BC)

Osiris (Egyptian, c. 2000 BC)

Dionysus (Greek, c. 1500 BC)

Krishna (Hindu, c. 900 BC)

Jesus (Christian, c. 5 BC)

So, I guess the question is, why the discrepancies?

Who am I?

2010-12-30T14:23:00.002-06:00

I am.
I am Shannon.
I am a girl.
I an just a girl.
I am nothing more.
I am nothing less.

I live.
I dream.
I hope.
I fear.
I laugh.
I cry.
I love.

I am simple.
I am complex.
I am compassionate.
I am real.

Why I Remain an Atheist

2010-07-22T21:25:00.002-05:00

Apart from the fact that I don't believe that God actually exists, that lack of belief is not the only thing that keeps me from Christianity or any other religion.

I am reminded daily that people suck. Not just people, but Christians suck. There are some decent Christians out there who do truly practice what they preach and love people sincerely.

But the vast majority of them are very hypocritical, judgmental, hateful, and mean-spirited individuals.

Agnosticism vs. Atheism

2010-07-01T23:32:00.001-05:00

Apparently, there are a few people who are unsure or do not believe me when I say I am an atheist and would rather label me as an agnostic. So, I decided to break it down for some who are unclear about the differences between these classifications.

First, agnosticism is NOT a lesser form of Christianity or a lesser evil than Atheism. It isn't even in the same realm.

Agnosticism and atheism deal with 2 completely different concepts.

Agnosticism is concerned with the KNOWLEDGE of God. Knowing whether or not God exists.
Atheism is concerned with BELIEF in God. Believing whether or not God exists.

It is entirely possible to be an Agnostic Christian or an Agnostic Atheist (usually termed a weak Atheist).

For example, I do not BELIEVE that God exists which makes me an atheist, however, I also don't KNOW whether or not god exists because there is not enough evidence either way in my opinion. So, by definition, I am a weak Atheist.

A good friend of mine BELIEVES that God exists which makes her a Christian, however, she doesn't KNOW whether or not God exists. Therefore she is an Agnostic Christian.

My explanation pales in comparison to about.com and therefore if there is still some misunderstanding I would check it out- http://atheism.about.com/od/aboutagnosticism/a/atheism.htm

Just thought this might be helpful to understand.

Randomness

2010-06-27T03:04:00.003-05:00

So, I can't sleep. So, I decided to compile a list of random things about me.

1. I am passionate about people.
2. I am addicted to my Blackberry.
3. I love satire.
4. Sunflowers are my favorite flowers.
5. I talk to myself in the car, it helps me process things.
6. I miss college and the fun times I had then.
7. I love home roasted pumpkin seeds.
8. I am not a fan of Valentine's Day because you should make the person you love feel special EVERY day.
9. I am not as smart as I let people believe that I am.
10. I can bullshit with the best.
11. I ask random questions all the time and make random comments. Though both just seem random because others are not following my thought process.
12. I miss singing.
13. I wrap up like a burrito in my blanket to sleep at night.
14. Strawberry bagels topped with strawberry cream cheese and chocolate milk is my favorite breakfast!
15. Sometimes, I sleep longer than I intend to because I don't want to interrupt my dream.
16. I had to have my left little toe amputated when I was four. My family likes to make fun of me for it, and I am okay with that. :)
17. I love most music and love discovering unknown artists.
18. I have successfully outgrown my allergies, though I still get sniffles and sneezes they are tolerable WITHOUT medication!
19. I am legally (for driving purposes in the state of AL but not TN) supposed to wear glasses/contacts, however, I haven't worn either in almost 10 years.
20. I have determined that the mirrors at the salon make my hair cuts look worse than they actually are and that when I get home or to my car, my hair cuts look much better.
21. I am content with non-belief.
22. I am passionate about advocating for those that can't advocate for themselves.
23. I wanted to be a Pediatrician until I took my first Psychology course.
24. Dissociative Identity Disorder is fascinating to me.
25. I am unsure whether I want to have kids one day, at least biological ones. I would love to foster and adopt.
26. Despite my desire to live in a bigger city in another state, I stay close to my family because I don't want to leave them.

Talk Therapy 101

2010-05-28T22:40:00.002-05:00

This is something from Psychology Today. I thought it was interesting, humorous, and on point.

1. Psychoanalytic; Tell me about your dreams.
2. Psychodynamic Therapy: Tell me about your childhood.
3. Jungian Therapy: Tell me about your archetypes.
4. Freudian Therapy: Tell me about your mother.
5. Behavioral Therapy: Show, don't tell.
6. Evolutionary Therapy: Tell me about your ancestors.
7. Cognitive Therapy: Tell yourself this!
8. Rational Therapy: What are you telling yourself?
9. Primal Scream Therapy: Tell it loud!
10. Stoicism: Who you gonna tell?
11. Acceptance Therapy: What's to tell?
12. Tough Love: Tell it to the judge.
13. Religion: Tell God.

The Courage to be Myself

2010-05-17T21:44:00.001-05:00

In my office at work there is a poster with this encouraging poem on it--

"The Courage to Be Myself"

I have the courage to . . .
Embrace my strengths—
Get excited about life—Enjoy giving
and receiving love —Face and transform
my fears— Ask for help and support
when I need it—
Spring free of the Superwoman Trap—
Trust myself— Make my own decisions
and choices— Befriend myself—Complete
unfinished business—Realize that I have
emotional and practical rights—
Talk as nicely to myself
as I do to my plants— Communicate
lovingly with understanding as my goal—
Honor my own needs—
Give myself credit for my accomplishments—
Love the little girl within me—
Overcome my addiction to approval—
Grand myself permission to play—
Quit being a Responsibility Sponge—
Feel all of my feelings and act on them
appropriately—Nurture others because
I want to, not because I have to—
Choose what is right for me—Insist on being
paid fairly for what I do—
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them—
Say "yes" only when I really mean it—
Have realistic expectations—Take risks and
accept change—Grow through challenges—
Be totally honest with myself—
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions—
Respect my vulnerabilities—
Heal old and current wounds—
Favor the mystery of Spirit—
Wave goodbye to guilt—plant "flower"
not "weed" thoughts in my mind—
Treat myself with respect and teach others
to do the same—
Fill my own cup first, then nourish
others from the overflow—
Own my own excellence— Plan for the future
but live in the present— Value my
intuition and wisdom— Know that I am
lovable—Celebrate the differences between
men and women— Develop healthy, supportive
relationships— Make forgiveness a priority—
Accept myself as I am now--

Book of Questions Pt. 3

2010-05-04T21:09:00.000-05:00

1)If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or the mind of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

I would definitely want to retain the mind of a 30 year old.

2)If at birth you could select the profession your child would eventually pursue, would you do so?

While it is tempting to do so, I think that part of growth is finding what you are passionate about and pursuing it. So, I wouldn't choose my child's profession for them.

3)You have the chance to meet someone with whom you can have the most satisfying love imaginable -- the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in six months the person will die Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love? What if you knew your lover would not die, but instead would betray you?

There are several things to consider. First, does love only happen once in a lifetime? If so, then loosing out on love after 6 months and never being able to find love again would suck. On the other hand, if this is the most satisfying love imaginable, I wouldn't need another love.

4)Would you accept twenty years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant you would die at the end of the period?

I would. Yes.

5)Someone very close to you is in pain, paralyzed, and will die within a month. He begs you to give him poison so that he can die Would you? What if it were your Father?

Yes, I would. I believe that one has the right to choose to die, if they are in the right state of mind to make decisions.

Questions pt. 2

2010-05-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

1. When did you last sing to yourself? to someone else?

I used to sing, to myself and others, often. I used to love to sing. Then something changed. I still sing in the car, and whatnot, but not like before. The last time I really sang was back in college in the choir.

2. If you could have free, unlimited service for five years from an
extremely good cook, chauffeur, housekeeper, masseuse, or personal secretary, which would you choose?

Cook. I am not a big fan of cooking.. nor am I really good at it. :)

3. If you were helping to raise money for a charity and someone agreed to make a large contribution if you would perform at the upcoming fund-raising show, would you? If so, what would you like to perform? Assume the show would have an audience of
about 1,000.

Yes. I would sing. The largest group of people that I have sang in front of was around 800 and I don't think that 1000 would be much different.

4. You are at a lake with some friends; the sun is warm and the water is cold.
Going into the water would temporarily chill you but you know that later the warm sun would be even more enjoyable and you would be glad you had gone in.
Would you take the plunge?

Definitely. I have done many polar bear swims in my time so I don't think this would be much different.

5. Can you be counted on to do what you say you'll do? What does it take for you to trust someone?

Definitely. I am a big believer in keeping my word. I am a skeptic by nature and so it takes a bit of time for me to trust someone.

Book Of Questions

2010-05-02T22:12:00.002-05:00

Some time ago, and on a completely different blog, I posted some questions from The Book Of Questions along with my responses. I will try to post them here as well over the next few days as well as answer some new ones.

1) What deep thoughts have YOU been pondering upon?

About life and love and the purpose of both. I haven't come to any conclusions yet. I have, however, discovered some interesting ways in which others have come to some conclusions. For example, Raelianism. I am not a supporter of Raelianism and personally think that one has to be a few chips short of a chocolate chip cookie to believe the stuff.. but it is interesting nonetheless.

2) What's the best decision you ever made? the worst?

The best decision, recently, was to quit a job I was with for 2.5 years. Despite the problems the Alabama region has, the job was dragging me down. The lack of sleep, high level of stress, and little to no reward wore me down after 2 years. It was the best decision for me to part ways.

The worst decision I have ever made would probably have to be attending Union University. I enjoyed my time at Union. I made some good friends (though I have no real evidence of this any longer) and learned a hell of a lot. What I regret the most about it, and what makes it my worst decision, is how much I paid for an education that was second rate to the education I could of received at UAH. I wasn't a fan of attending UAH when I did; however, their Psychology department is far superior to that of Union. Union was, by far, the worst financial decision I ever made.

3) Who has had the most influence in your life?

That is a hard question. There have been lots of people that have influenced me in many different ways. My parents, obviously, were huge influences and probably the most noteworthy at the time.

4) What would I be surprised to know about you?

I don't have it all together. I can't tell you how many times I hear people say that they see me as someone who has life all figured out and everything all together. I am not sure where they get this impression, but it is false.

As a matter of fact, I am further from having it all together, than most people would think. But, I am working on having it all together.

5) What is your most prominent emotion?

On a given day, I am usually quite melancholy. I have days of joy and days of depression. It varies depending on circumstances.

6) When you were going through a rough time in your life, what did someone do to help get you through that period?

Oh wow. There are few things that I could talk about. The one thing that sticks out in my mind, however, is when my Mom passed away. A friend of mine called me, out the blue, the day after her death. He knew nothing about her death but had the urge to call me. I told him what happened. He listened. He then read a passage out of Corinthians to me. This is memorable to me because a lot of others just tried to find words to say that would comfort. Many would say generic things like "Let me know if I can do anything." But he gave me something that I could look back upon for comfort despite the fact that it didn't actually provide comfort later on.

7)Have you ever been on the receiving end of a Random act of kindness? What was it? How did it make you feel?

I am usually on the giving end of random acts of kindness; however, I have been on the receiving end. I was with a large group of people from Texas. We were in Colorado to hike Pike's Peak. The night before our hike, we were eating dinner. When we returned to out hotel rooms, we found a single white rose on our beds, one for each of us. There was a note about how beautiful we were and how blessed they were to have gotten to know us. It was a wonderful surprise and definitely made me feel loved and treasured.

8) Have you ever sent out a letter/greeting/bunch of flowers to someone, just to cheer them up? Did you do it anonymously?

I absolutely love sending cards/letters to friends. I do so randomly. Sometimes, they are meant to cheer someone up, sometimes they are simply reminders that I am thinking about them. I have sent some things anonymously in the past. While in college, I made it a goal of mine to send as many kind notes to as many students as possible.

9) Are you wasting time on useless things?

I have a habit of being a procrastinator. To do this effectively, I have to waste a lot of time doing other things. I wouldn't necessarily call them useless (mainly because I think most everything has a point).

10) It's a summer holiday and you've been invited to a big family-and-friends potluck celebration. What would you bring?

That's a hard question. I like to bake from time to time so I might bring an Oreo cake or a Whopper Pie. On the other hand, I might simply make a watermelon basket filled with fruits. It just depends on what I am in the mood for.

11) The person in charge of music is taking requests. What song would you like to hear? Would you get up and dance to it or just sit back and listen?

Hmm. I guess it would depend on the atmosphere and my sobriety. If I am at a party, I like fun songs... ones that I can dance to. It also depends on the crowd and who I am with.

12) What is your most memorable birthday? Tell us what you remember, your feelings, why it stands out in your mind?

My most memorable birthday would have to be the year I skipped school. My mom took off work and told me that I had a choice... I could go to school or I could go to either Disneyland or Knott's Berry Farm. It was an easy choice. I decided to go to Knott's Berry Farm. My mom and I spent the day at the park riding roller coasters and enjoying my birthday.. all while my sisters were suffering in school.

13) What is the best gift you've received for your birthday?

Wow that is a difficult one. There are so many things that I have gotten and they are all great. I got a car for my 16th birthday. I got a cell phone for my 17th. I have gotten a camera and a guitar. I just don't know what the 'best' gift was/is.

14) What do you value most about where you live?

Hands down, I value the fact that I am close to my family. It was difficult living away from them for 5-6 years.

15) What do you do to show your appreciation?

A card/letter showing my gratitude or I reciprocate the kindness.

16) How do you see your life in 2017?

That is 7 years from now. I hope to be in a fulfilling career, married to an amazing man, owner of my own home, with little worry.

17) What do you most value in your friends?

Honesty, realness, commitment, time, love.

18) What is your dream of happiness?

Happiness to me is knowing that each day, regardless of my circumstances, I will be able to make it through the day unscathed.

19) What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

To have never known true love, reciprocated.

20) How would you like to die?

Silently, without much pain/suffering.

21) What is your motto?

Ghandi summarized it well- "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

22) You are stranded in a library or bookstore for 24 hours. In what section do you spend the most time? Why?

I couldn't spend all of my time in one section. I would visit the Psychology/Social Services/Self-Help section, the art section, the finance section, and probably the clearance section. I enjoy psychology and the study of people so I always love reading more about what makes people tick. Art is a passion, so I could spend hours perusing the pages of artists before me. My desire is to do better with my finances, so I check out the finance section to learn how to do just that. And the clearance section is just plain fun!

23) What is an item you own that has a minimal monetary value but has such sentimental value that you would not sell it for $5,000?

The necklace I wear. It is a tanzanite ring that my Dad gave to my Mom. It hangs on a silver necklace and is never away from me. It is a daily reminder of my mom.

24) List 2 things about you, that are important for us to know:
1) I am cynical and sarcastic. Both are defense mechanisms that I use to hide my insecurities. So, when we are first getting to know one another, I will use both methods greatly and will probably drive most people away because of it.
2) I have been hurt, a lot, by people that have claimed to be my friends only to later show their true colors. Because of this, I am less likely to have a deeper and more meaningful conversation with someone until I can feel them out a little. This is also the purpose of this quiz. It is a self-imposed challenge to allow myself to talk about deeper things.

25) If your life were a collage, what would be the most important images displayed?

Family, friends, photography, art.

Complicated Grief

2010-04-26T21:26:00.002-05:00

My mother passed away in 2004. Grief was (is) a process that I had never really and truly experienced. Because I was about to graduate with a degree in psychology and because I was the "strong christian" in my home, I somehow felt like I had to be strong for my family.

These feelings of having to be strong meant that I pushed my own grief aside.

I went back to school shortly after her death and things seemed normal. Nothing seemed different because school was 3 hours from home. So, not seeing my mother daily wasn't any different than before. There were a few things that were different such as not being able to call my mom when I needed help locating something in the grocery store.

I had a few episodes while in school where I would just start crying, but all in all, I thought I was handling her death "normally" despite pushing my grief aside.

After graduating, I move another hour away from my family and began working in a tiny, tiny city. I knew no one in this city and work began to consume a LOT of my time. The build up of the stress of work, the loneliness, and the grief that I had suppressed was wearing me down.

I moved back to Huntsville to be closer to my family. I still had this sense that I needed to be strong for my family. I rarely talked about my mom. In fact, when family talked about her, I kept quiet and tried to focus on other things.

As time wears on, I continued to bury the grief, the memories, and the reality deep inside. I only visited her grave site a handful of times. It has been years since I have been back.

I have been successful at burying the grief so far that I can talk about this with no emotion. I haven't been successful at stopping the thoughts, or the floods of sadness that come at times.

I heard a term describe, almost perfectly, what I am experiencing a few years ago. I never did much with the term other than look it up to understand it.

Complicated Grief. Complicated grief is unresolved grief that is a term used to describe a prolonged sense of mourning. Complicated grief is distinguished from a natural phase of grief mostly by its duration.

Indications may include-

*a steadfast refusal to talk about death or loss, or to engage in any conversation about the person who has died, even fond and happy memories.

*Minor events or casual observations evoke a powerful, uncontrollable response.

*They may also show signs of severe depression, deteriorating self-esteem, or outright despair.

Now, my problem is what do I do with this information? I don't know how to grieve normally or work through grief. My Mom was the first death of a loved one that I really experienced.

I am searching for answers.

Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey

2010-04-24T21:43:00.002-05:00

Most know that I used to be a very passionate and on fire Christian. During my time as a Christian, I probably would have been completely okay with this type of worship and not seen anything wrong with it. As an outsider looking in now I just don't get it.

How is The Hokey Pokey a glorifying and edifying song for the Lord? How is this worship? How can one be healed by singing a meaningless child's song?

What are your thoughts?

Great Computer Resources

2010-04-22T21:41:00.000-05:00

I have decided to pass on some great resources that I use frequently. Most of these are free. These are in no particular order. Also, I use Windows XP and have only tested these software packages on Windows based computers.

Foxit- http://www.foxitsoftware.com/

This is a PDF reader/editor/creator. I only use the editor. Simply put, I can edit any PDF file with a few clicks of my mouse. I can add/remove text, graphics, etc. This is helpful for PDF forms that do not have the fill-in ability. It comes with a 6 month trial. I utilized BitTorrent (we will discuss later) and was able to obtain a completely free copy.

PrimoPDF- http://www.primopdf.com/

This is an awesome product. With a simple click of the mouse you can convert anything you can print (webpage, MS docs, pictures, etc) into PDF files. This is helpful when you want to save TOS or similar from a website. You simply choose Print and then select PrimoPDF as the printer. You can save the document as a PDF. I utilized this when I worked for YV. I would write our newsletters using Publisher and then make them a PDF to distribute via email. I have used this for many many things. Also, I use this for those pesky Fill-in PDF forms that you can't save the information. I simply "print" to PrimoPDF and my document and the information I inputed is saved. This is completely free.

CCleaner- http://www.ccleaner.com/

This is a registry/cache cleaner. Every time you use the internet, files are saved to a random folder buried deep within windows. These files collect over time and can slow down your computer because it is wasted space. With CCleaner, you can clean those files quickly. To top it off, CCleaner will clean registry files. Just make sure that you save a backup of your registry every time you clean it, in case it deletes something that you need. (Rarely happens). This is completely free.

Firefox- http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/

This is an internet browser. It is much more secure than IE. It can be customized and you can add all kinds of additional tools to make your internet browsing fun, faster, and more secure. I have used Firefox for about 5-6 years. I LOVE it. I have NEVER gone back to IE. It is completely free.

SpyBot Search and Destroy- http://www.safer-networking.org/en/index.html

This is my anti-spyware software. It is free and easy to use. I use it coupled with WindowsDefender (see below).

WindowsDefender- http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/spyware/software/default.mspx

This is a Microsoft product, which is why I use Spybot as well. It is free and does a decent job. I would suggest using it alongside of another anti-virus software.

Avast- http://www.avast.com/

This is the anti-virus software that I use. The HOME edition is free. So far, I have found it to be comparable to McAfee and Norton... but FREE, which is also a bonus. You could also use AVG (search google). I have heard good reviews for AVG as well.

BitTorrent- http://www.bittorrent.com/

This is a file sharing program. Unlike Napster and others, it is free. It is quite a bit different than Napster and other file sharing programs in that you download Torrents. With torrents, instead of downloading a single file from one other user, you are downloading multiple "pieces" from multiple users (the more users the better/faster). If you know nothing about torrents, I would suggest googling before you download because it can be complicated. While BT allows you to download just about anything from music to software, remember that it is piracy and illegal. Also remember that some torrents can contain viruses. With the disclaimer out of the way, I can say that I LOVE torrents and sharing files this way. Finding torrents can be a pain at times, but I utilize TorrentBar, which is an add-on in Firefox and it helps. www.thepiratebay.com is a good place to look for torrents.

StumbleUpon- http://www.stumbleupon.com/

If you haven't discovered SU yet, you must live in a hole somewhere... or you are just not a very avid interwebs user. SU is simply described as a series of buttons that is placed in your IE or Firefox. With the click of a button, you are whisked away to a plethora of sites that you will enjoy. You set your preferences and click away. You are then sent to a random site based on your preferences. Once at the page, you decide whether you enjoyed it or not. Based on your decision, you are whisked away to another site. You can stumble as often as you like. I use this when I am bored and just want to find some fun things to look at/read/laugh at/etc.

Real Alternative- http://www.free-codecs.com/download/Real_alternative.htm

This little software is amazing. While not used very often, there are some music files that are not able to be opened in Windows Media Player. They have the Real Audio extensions, .ra or .rpm. Unfortunately, in order to open these files, you usually need Real Player. But who needs Windows Media Player and Real Player? With this handy, less than 2 mb, codec you can listen to your .ra or .rpm files with WMA.

The End

Well, that wraps up my list of resources. I would love to hear about any programs that I might not know about. If you have any questions about any of these, let me know.

The Butterfly

2010-04-21T21:13:00.000-05:00

Once there was man who was very interested in collecting butterflies. He had the chance to obtain a beautiful butterfly, still in the cocoon. He was excited and delighted to have this rare butterfly, so much so that he carefully looked at the cocoon everyday, to see if there were any changes that might have happened since the day before.

One day, he noticed that the cocoon had begun to change, there was a small opening or slit – this is something that normally happens. He was so excited! The butterfly would be coming out of the cocoon soon. He decided to help the butterfly by speeding up the process. He carefully made the slit larger so the butterfly would have an easier time, it would come out sooner.

Although his intentions were good, they were not in the best interests of the butterfly. When the butterfly came out, it could not fly. You see, when the butterfly grows out of the cocoon that helps it get it's wings ready to fly.

Because the butterfly didn't have to work to get out of the cocoon—it could not fly. It was never able to achieve its full potential, never share its beauty with other people, and never go where it wanted to be.

Abnormal Psychology

2010-04-19T21:30:00.000-05:00

I teetered on two different majors throughout my college education. Each semester I would switch between a major in Christian Studies or Psychology. In the end, I chose to major in Psychology and minor in Christian Studies. As I have mentioned in the past, my degree feels worthless at times; however, it would have been a lot more worthless had I chose to major it Christian Studies.

One of the reasons I chose psychology in the first place was because I enjoy learning about the human brain and our behaviors. I have been told quite a bit that I am an analyzer, especially when it comes to people. I enjoy trying to figure out why people act the way they do. I enjoy people watching.

My junior year of college I had to take Abnormal Psychology with Dr. Vickery. Abnormal psychology discussed diagnoses that are abnormal in nature. For instance, we discussed schizophrenia and sexual deviancy. Dr. Vickery soon became one of my favorite professors (which was not hard given that there were only 5 professors in the Psych dept.). Dr. Vickery would recount stories of some of his clients and the behaviors they exhibited. Class was always entertaining and held much interest much more than in some of my other classes.

What caught my mind the most in this class was Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and other dissociative disorders. It is intriguing to think that a child, or rather anyone, enduring such atrocities as sexual/physical abuse can completely dissociate from reality in an effort to survive. What is more intriguing is that this same person can go through life and, with the proper treatment, live a completely normal, healthy life despite is dissociations that have occurred.

I picked up my first book on DID while taking Abnormal Psychology. First Person Plural: My Life As A Multiple written by Dr. Cameron West is still one of my favorite books. Dr. West retells his story of living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder). To read his story and to learn what his life was like was very intriguing for me.

After reading Dr. West's book, I found myself intrigued with DID even more. I began scouring book stores for more case studies about this disorder. I landed on several different ones. I also expanded my reading to incorporate Schizophrenia.

Ultimately, I would love to study these disorders more throughly and academically. I would also love to have first hand observation and work with people living with these disorders. But, there again, my fear of failure (not being smart enough) comes into play.

What is a Degree Worth?

2010-04-18T21:20:00.000-05:00

Most of you know that I have a BS in Psychology. I am also working on my MA in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Here is the deal. When I graduated from college I realized and essential truth-- My degree is nothing more than a very expensive piece of paper.

What does a degree represent?

*It represents my ability to obtain huge loans.
*It represents my ability to follow processes such as taking X, Y, Z classes is mandatory for a BS degree.
*It represents my ability to complete something that never seems to have an end until you actually reach the end.
*It represents my ability to answer correctly questions on numerous tests regardless of whether I actually know the information on the test.
*It represents my ability to write and speak coherently.
*It represents my ability to function despite lack of sleep, insane amounts of caffeine, and 4 AM runs to Wal-Mart.

The Problem(s)

In today's society a degree is nothing more than a piece of paper. It is required for a lot of higher paying jobs; however, the catch is that it usually doesn't matter what subject your degree is in, just the fact that you have a degree.

A degree is supposed to indicate that I have mastered the knowledge in my selected major and can speak with some authority on it. The problem is that a degree doesn't represent this. Instead, it represents that I am able to convince my professors that I have gained knowledge despite whether I actually have or not.

What do I mean by this? Well, I happen to be very good as bullshitting my way through a 5-10 page paper or an essay question. I can also ace a multiple choice, true/false, matching test by simply applying reason and logic to the choices present. The only difficulty is completing fill-in-the-blank or short answer tests in which the answers are one-two words. Fortunately, most of the tests that I took in college contained essay, multiple choice, true/false, or matching questions.

These tests do nothing more than prove that a person can guess the correct answer or write a convincing essay on a topic they know nothing about.

Now, thankfully, I did learn a lot in college and know a great deal about the subject of psychology.

Unfortunately, my degree is worthless because it doesn't represent the knowledge I actually have (or am supposed to have) any longer.

The Components of a Rap Video

2010-04-17T21:17:00.000-05:00

I was reminded of this as I sat at home, bored out of my mind, today and was flipping through the channels. I landed on BET's Rap City and it brought back memories.

When I was in college some of my sorority sisters/roommates came up with an analysis of rap videos. It became a tradition. Late at night, when we couldn't sleep, we would turn on BET or MTV (since that is the only time MTV plays videos) and we would watch the rap videos and test this analysis. Surprisingly, the analysis is quite accurate.

Every rap video contains 3 vital pieces. If you watch rap videos you will be able to spot these three components and it will become addictive trying to analyze each video. I have yet to find a rap video that does not contain these three elements. I believe that we can also add a forth, though I haven't tested the 4th analysis yet.

1. Mode of Transportation-- some form of transportation will be present. Typically it is a car or SUV, however, there could be some other unusual method of transportation-- ie, elevator, bicycle, roller skates, skateboard, etc.

2. Half Dressed women dancing- this component may be in the form of a party (private or otherwise), dancing on the street, etc. Usually, there is at least one woman dancing ON the rapper and his posse.

3. Alcohol- In some form or fashion, there is alcohol involved. Sometimes, this may be a little hard to find, but most of the time the same girls dancing are holding some form of alcohol.

*4. Money/Bling- This one has not be tested, however, I believe that analysis would prove that this is also present. This could be in the form of cash (lots of bills), or simply a lot of "bling" as it is called.

Now, my charge to you, go and analyze rap videos. It is entertaining!

An Ode to Love

2010-04-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

So I am in love with love. I love everything about it.

I love the way that it makes me feel... even if I haven't found the love of my life. Knowing that I will one day sparks excitment and anticipation inside me.

I love watching "chick flicks..." you know the ones in which a girl and boy fall in love.. the ones that make girls cry and swoon.

They make me cry and swoon.. and fall in love with love all over again.

I love watching two people who have just started dating... seeing their feelings grow and their outward expressions of their feelings.

Oh how I long to be in love. To be completely and madly in love with one person. To give my heart and soul over to my prince.. my knight in shining armor.

How I long to be held tightly in the arms of someone who is head over heels in love with me. To have sweet nothings whispered in my ear and surprises awaiting me when I come home.

I long to be captivated by a man. To be able to think of nothing else but him. To be able to dream of nothing more than spending the rest of my life... with him.

I long to sing sweet melodies of passion and of the intense and overwhelming feelings inside of me.

I long to serve the one I love. To cook and clean. To lift him up and be his biggest fan.

I long to meet my very best friend and to share my deepest passions and most hidden secrets with him.

Oh cupid, when will I be hit by your arrow?

Girl, You Have Got It All Together

2010-04-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

For the past several years I have heard, increasingly, that I seem like I have my life all together. Various people who know me in different capacities-- from co-workers, to close friends, to people that simply read my writings. Many have commented with a similar thought.

I write about this not to brag about myself or to even agree with the comments. I write about this because I am so shocked and in disbelief that this is the picture others have of me. I am flattered by this belief, but dumbfounded as to where it began.

My life is anything but "all together." When I view my own life I see nothing but messiness filled with bits and pieces of thoughts, dreams, and circumstances thrown together in no organized fashion.

I will say that I do a very good job of hiding a lot of the unorganized messiness and putting on a show for others. But, in reality, I don't have my life altogether. I am very uncertain about the future, and really the present. I don't know what I believe, or where I stand. I don't know if my life will end up like a fairy tale or a horror flick. I just don't know.

I am okay with my life. While, I wish it was a bit more "all together," I am okay with where I am.

So, I am flattered that so many look at me and think that I have everything all together. I am just not sure where that impression comes from.

Memories

2010-04-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

I am amazed, daily. Amazed by the human brain. Amazed at how the brain functions.

Take for example memories.

I am not sure about you, but for me, my memory is excellent. I have a visual memory.

When taking tests, I can picture my notes and can sort through them to find the information that will help me answer the questions.

I am highly organized so this helps. I rarely loose things and I can notice that someone has been at my desk, or in my "private" areas simply by looking at the surroundings. I can tell when something was picked up and moved.

Back to memories.

Driving down the road, I run across a green Toyota Tacoma. To most, this would just be another car on the road. To me.... this one image brings back lots of memories---- I had a friend in my first years of college that drove a green Toyota Tacoma. Now every time I see one, it makes me think of him.

Continuing down the path of life I run across a movie poster. Matrix 1. This image brings back even more memories of friends and conversations.

I am amazed that simply looking at an everyday object can bring up a host of memories.

I went to Wal-Mart today and was looking for some cookies... EL Fudge to be exact. I saw some Oreos... Oh the memories--- Sophmore year of college... It began with phone calls... it ended with being chased around the campus by cars. Sorority sisters and I decided to make some prank phone calls to some fraternity guys. We gave them a time line of the events to occur. 4 packages of Oreos.... we headed out. We proceeded to take the Oreo's apart and lick the icing. The icing, when licked, acts as a glue like substance. The oreos then became affixed to the car windows of those guys that we called earlier. 4am. The guys come out and see what we are doing. The rest of the morning is spent running from the guys.

Oh the fun!

We needed some aluminum foil.... I headed down the aisle and noted the various colors of saran wrap. Floods of memories came to my mind. Junior year of college. January semester. I received a call at 2:30 am from "security" on my cell phone. The "security officer" informed me that my car had been vandalized. I thought for a moment--- why is campus security calling my cell phone---- especially when they don't have the number and could simply call my dorm number. Fast forward to 8:30Am. I wake up and get ready for class.... I walk outside only to find my Dodge Neon wrapped with several layers of saran wrap. It takes a few moments for me to unwrap my car. After class I got a phone call from "security" again....this time, the voice was familiar.. Jason. Jason laughs and asks how I enjoyed my gift.

Memories.

Thinking about memories leads me in another direction. Growing old. All that is encompassed with growing old.

Alzheimer's. The lack of ability to remember. Devastation.

Could I function without my memory? Can I live without remembering friends and family?

Memories.

We Need Each Other

2010-04-13T21:32:00.000-05:00

There is a song that we used to sing in Gospel Choir at Union. The words are below.

I need you
You need me
We're all apart of God's body.
Stand with me.
Agree with me.
We're all apart of God's body.
It is His will that every need be supplied.
You are important to me.
I need you to survive.

Whether you believe in God or not, whether you believe that God wants us to have our every need met, these words speak to an important truth--- We need each other.

Looking back on my life and on the many different events, I cannot recall a time in which I was truly alone, without a person to call on for help. I have been through a lot, as have the majority of us. I have faced many hardships, frustrations, hurts, and disappointments. I have faced many great times, blessings, and joys. Through all of them I have had someone to share the experience with.

There are times when I get frustrated with life and with situations that I have been in. There are times when I want to quit, give up on my job. There are times with I get tired of hearing friends and family complain. There are times when I just want to hide myself in a hole and not have to deal with people.

But then I realize that as much as I hate my life at times, my job at other times, and listening to people's complaints, I am needed. YOU are needed. We are all needed by someone.

My clients need me.... not because I have excellent clinical skills and can help them understand how behavior works. Not because I am such a great person that I can fix all of their problems. They need me because I need them! My clients teach me more and more about myself. My clients provide comfort and humor when I need it, most of the times without even realizing it.

My family needs me... not because I am the oldest daughter and the responsible one. Not because I am wash the dishes, do the laundry, and help around the house. Not because I provide financial assistance to them. They need me because I need them! My family brings joy, consistency, comfort, love, and entertainment. My family provides discipline and reality when it is needed.

My friends need me... not because I have the greatest sense of humor. Not because I offer to drive. Not because I know how to have a good time. My friends need me because I need them! My friends give me joy indescribable. My friends bring laughter to my day. My friends give me a shoulder to cry on when needed.

My community needs me... not because I love to volunteer. Not because I am great at networking and finding resources. The community needs me because I need them! My community provides me with information, security, assistance, and entertainment.

YOU need me.... not because you enjoy reading my long winded writings. Not because I am cute. You need me because I need YOU! You may not realize it, but you provide me with an outlet, a way of sharing my thoughts. You provide comfort. You allow me to be myself.

We need each other.

When I was in college, living in my apartment, I got random visitors asking for money all the time. Some of them were legit, others just wanted money for drugs or alcohol. I remember one man that asked for money. He had a story that was so similar to all the others. He said he needed money for gas. He needed to go pick up his daughter from school and get her home so that he could go to a job interview, however, he ran out of gas and didn't have any cash on him. He was limited on time and therefore couldn't ride the bus. I was skeptical, as always. Someting told me to help him out, however. I gave him $20.00 for gas. He thanked me and stated that he would pay me back within the next day or so. I didn't hold my breath.

The next week, there was a knock on my door. A woman and a child. She told me that her husband had borrowed some money from me for gas. She told me that he really wanted to come himself to pay me back, however, he had just started a new job and was working that day. Her daughter handed me a card and they both thanked me for helping them out in their time of need.

I went into my apartment and opened the card. Inside the card was $40.00, double the amount that I have given the man. The card told me of their appreciation for helping them out. The card instructed me to keep $20.00 and to use the other $20 to help out another person. I did just that!

We need each other.

Inspiration and Hope

2010-04-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

In a world filled with tragedy and heartbreak, it can be difficult for one to find inspiration and hope.

In a world that is filled with loss and disappointment, it is easy to lose sight of inspiration and hope.

I deal with heartache, tragedy, loss, and disappointment on a daily basis. Perhaps I am in a unique situation, though.

My inspiration and hope is similar to my immune system and infections. If my immune system is attacked by an infection and I take Amoxicillian to help fight the infection, the infection goes away. However, if I take amoxicillian for an extended amount of time, the infections builds up tolerance to the medicine, thereby lessening the chance that amoxicillian will be able to help fight the infection the next time around.

In a similar manner, my inspiration and hope are worn down on a daily basis due to the amount of heartache that I see. Bouncing back from an infection of my inspiration and hope becomes increasingly difficult as I am exposed to the disappointment and loss for an extended time.

Thankfully, new medicines are created every once in a while that help to attack the infection and bring strength back to the system.

Similarly, society creates inspiration and hope in various ways that brings a renewed strength to my soul. Society does this through the Mother Theresas, through the artists, through the writers, through the children.

Recently, my inspiration and hope have been renewed and I look forward to their renewal in the next few weeks. I am looking forward to being able to once again share in the hope of humanity and of a better life.

A Carrot, An Egg, A Coffee Bean

2010-04-11T21:48:00.001-05:00

A young woman went to her mother and told her about life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seems as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and place each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last pot she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. in about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed tem in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. She ladled the coffee out and place it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take and egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "what does it mean, mothers?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity-boiling water-but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had be fragile. It's thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, a egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after death, a breakup, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or, am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

I Can Choose

2010-04-10T21:43:00.001-05:00

What kind of day shall I choose today?

Today I can complain about my health,
or, I can celebrate being alive.

Today I can moan that it is raining,
or, be joyful at all that grows from the rain.

Today I can regret all I don't have,
or, rejoice in everything that I do have.

Today I can mourn everything I have lost,
or, eagerly anticipate what's to come.

Today i can complain that I have to work,
or, celebrate having a job to go to.

Today I can resent the mess the kids make,
or, give thanks that I have a family.

Today I can whine about the housework,
or, celebrate having a home.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the "present"

I choose to have a good day today!

101 Ways to Cope With Stress

2010-04-09T21:14:00.002-05:00

Looking through some of my things I found a list of 101 ways to cope with stress that I thought I would share. Feel free to add your own ideas.

1) Get up 15 min earlier.
2) Prepare for the morning the night before.
3) Avoid tight fitting clothes.
4) Avoid relying on chemical aids.
5) Set appointments ahead.
6) Don't rely on your memory...write it down.
7) Practice preventative maintenance.
8) Make duplicate keys.
9) Say no more often.
10) Set priorities in your life.
11) Avoid negative people.
12) Use time wisely.
13) Simplify meal times
14) Always make copies of important papers
15) Anticipate your needs
16) Repair anything that doesn’t work properly
17) Ask for help with the jobs that you dislike
18) Break large tasks into bite size portions
19) Look at problems as challenges
20) Look at challenges differently
21) Unclutter your life
22) Smile
23) Be prepared for rain
24) Tickle a baby
25) Pet a friendly dog/cat
26) Don’t know all the answers
27) Look for the silver lining
28) Say something nice to someone
29) Teach a kid to fly a kite
30) Walk in the rain
31) Schedule play time into every day
32) Take a bubble bath
33) Be aware of the decisions you make
34) Believe in you
35) Stop saying negative things to yourself
36) Visualize yourself winning
37) Develop your sense of humor
38) Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
39) Have goals for yourself
40) Dance a jig
41) Say hello to a stranger
42) Ask a friend for a hug
43) Look up at the stars
44) Practice breathing slowly
45) Learn to whistle a tune
46) Read a poem
47) Listen to a symphony
48) Watch a ballet
49) Read a story curled up in bed
50) Do a brand new thing
51) Stop a bad habit
52) Buy yourself a flower
53) Take stock of your achievements
54) Find support from others
55) Ask someone to be your “vent partner”
56) Do it today
57) Work at being cheerful and optimistic
58) Put safety first
59) Do everything in moderation
60) Pay attention to your appearance
61) Strive for excellence, not perfection
62) Stretch your limits a little each day
63) Look at a work of art
64) Hum a jingle
65) Maintain you weight
66) Plant a tree
67) Feed the birds
68) Practice grace under pressure
69) Stand up and stretch
70) Always have a plan “b”
71) Learn a new doodle
72) Memorize a joke
73) Be responsible for your feelings
74) Learn to meet you own needs
75) Become a better listener
76) Know your limitations and let others know them too
77) Tell someone to have a good day in pig latin.
78) Throw a paper airplane
79) Exercise everyday
80) Learn the words to a new song
81) Get to work early
82) Clean out one closet
83) Play patty cake with a toddler
84) Go on a picnic
85) Take a different route to work
86) Leave work early
87) Put air fresheners in your car
88) Watch a movie and eat popcorn
89) Write a note to a far away friend
90) Go to a ball game a scream
91) Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
92) Recognize the importance of unconditional love
93) Remember that stress is an attitude
94) Keep a journal
95) Practice a monster smile
96) Remember you always have options
97) Have a support network of people, places, and things
98) Quit trying to “fix” other people
99) Get enough sleep
100) Talk less and listen more
101) Freely praise other people

P.S. Relax, take one day at a time…you have the rest of your life to live.

Negativism?!?!?

2010-04-08T21:02:00.003-05:00

The other day someone decided to jump into a conversation without knowing any details on the background behind the conversation. They said some pretty hurtful things about me based on what they thought the conversation was about. So, when I defended myself, there was more onslaught that "proved" their original thoughts supposedly.

The premises of their portion of the discussion was that I am a very negative person, completely unhappy, and therefore make myself and others miserable.

A few days later, another person jumped into an entirely different conversation and made similar claims. To be fair, both people are related.

So, it got me wondering because of the old thought that if more than one person is telling you the same thing there may be some truth to it, whether there is any truth and what others thought.

I will admit that I share my feelings and experiences. Sometimes they are not pleasant feelings or pleasant experiences, but I don't think my overall tone is always negative and completely miserable.

But, what do you think? Please be honest with me.

Thanks!

To be open, I have struggled a lot, emotionally, since the death of my mother That brought on a new set of feelings I had never experienced coupled with my repressing those feelings, and here we are. I have also struggled physically and spiritually.
The stress of my current living situation and life situation don't make things any easier on me either.

You're Not a Christian Anymore??!?

2010-03-30T22:23:00.002-05:00

I get this surprised question a lot from those that remember me being a Christian. But, I never feel safe enough to talk about it. I think that is because I am afraid that 1)someone will try to convert me-- which is not something I want. 2)Someone will not understand where I am coming from.

So, I have decided to answer/explain my process of deconversion--

For me, the years of dealing with a horrible church family (in general, there were some great people there) who taught me about gossip, slander, greed, hating your enemies (and friends if they do something stupid) coupled with the year at Teen Mania (www.honoracademy.com) where everything was performance based started me down the path of deconversion. Even after leaving TM, I was a pretty passionate Christian, until I realize that that made me few and far between. I went to a Christian university and minored in Christian Studies. My minor forced me to study the bible and question my beliefs. But, overall, I was still a christian up to my Senior Year.

Senior year, spring semester, only a few weeks after my mom had passed away. Christian Doctrine is the class. It was debate month in which our class was split into groups of 4 and we were required to debate biblical doctrines. One of the doctrines was the doctrine of salvation and whether one can loose their salvation. At the end of the debate, I raised my hand with a question- "If salvation is an act of repentance, and someone who lived a good life {defined by not committing horrible acts like murder, rape, etc} doesn't repent do they go to hell while the person that does repent but lived a horrible life {specifically rape} they go to heaven?" The answer from the debating team was that this was correct. My mother, who was a good person, but {to my knowledge} didn't repent or become "saved" is in hell while the man that raped someone close to me will be in heaven because he repented and is saved.

At that point, I started questioning the validity of the Bible and the christian faith. How can a God who is supposed to be "love" send someone who was a fairly good person to hell for lack of belief, but send someone who committed horrible acts to heaven because of belief?

I graduated from college with a degree in Psychology and a minor in CS. I began working in social work. I worked with kids who came from broken homes, kids who had been abused in every way possible, kids who were thrown out like last night's leftovers. I began to question even more- How can a loving God allow so much suffering in the world and not do a damn thing about it? How is it that God was so involved back in Biblical times, cursing those that hurt his people, healing the sick, etc; but is so absent in this current time?

All the questioning was coupled with the grief of loosing my mother. I still believed, though I had lots of doubt, and I prayed daily for some form of comfort-- a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a verse that would let me know that everything was alright, a hug--- SOMETHING, ANYTHING. But, my prayers were never answered. My friends deserted me. I was alone in a tiny tiny city far from home with no support. No verse in the Bible gave me any comfort. This continued for about a year. As that year went on though, my prayers became shorter and my hope dwindled.

Being overwhelmed with work, I pushed the grief as far away as possible. I pushed any belief I had as far away as possible as well. There was too much pain involved in both belief and grief. Belief only left me with questions and feeling empty and alone. I felt abandoned. Grief left me depressed and unmotivated to move on. So, in my best interest, I walked away from both.

Walking away from the grief was the stupidest decision that I have made because I now suffer with Complicated Grief. {look it up for an explanation} But, walking away from belief left me feeling free and unburdened. I no longer had to perform to earn the praise of others. I no longer had to feel the weight of guilt for not praying or having a quiet time. I no longer dealt with the stress of wondering if salvation could be snatched away from under me because I made a mistake.

I am much happier no longer believing.

Let Your Yes be Yes and Your No be No

2010-03-24T12:01:00.002-05:00

I grew understanding the importance of commitment and the value of doing what you say you are going to do. There is nothing more frustrating for me (and I assume others) than when someone says they are going to do something and never do it.

Now, I am not talking about someone saying they are going to do something and the person being unable to do it but at least trying to do it. I am specifically talking about when someone doesn't even attempt to do what they said they were going to do.

Promises, contracts, vows, commitments are things that I do not take lightly.

If I tell you that I am going to do something I will try my damnedest to do it. If something comes up, or I am unable to do it, I will make sure that you know and I will also try to do it at another time if possible.

Sadly, there are not too many people that feel the same way anymore. Our word is no longer a bond to be trusted. When someone tells me they are going to do something for me, I doubt it in my mind until they prove otherwise.

Using work as an example, if I tell a client I will call and check on their medicare for them or that I will be at their home at 11am, there is very little that will prevent me from doing these things. Now, of course, things come up and if I am unable to be there at 11am, I will call and let them know... but it is rare that I have to change the time I will meet with a client.

One doesn't have to look far to see that our word no longer means anything. Look at the divorce rate. Marriage is no longer a bond for life, but rather divorce has become an easy road to escape something we know longer want to deal with.

I realize that there are legitimate reasons to break your word, bond, promise, vow, commitment and I don't fault those that do so for legitimate reasons. But, it has become so that contracts and promises mean very little in today's society.

My point is that once upon time a our word meant something.

Health Care Reform

2010-03-22T14:19:00.002-05:00

Today (well, yesterday) was a historic day for the US. In case you have been living under a rock, the Health Care Reform bill was passed.

Now, I realize there is a lot of controversy regarding the HCR bill. I am not too excited about the bill that was passed, BUT, am hopeful for what opportunities it can bring to our country. Personally, I would have preferred a system like Canada or The French system, but nonetheless, we have reform.

Something that has been a hot spot regarding this HCR bill has been the amount of money that it will cost. Comments like, "We can't spend our way out of debt." and similar have been made. While I agree that one cannot spend their way out of debt, it is impossible to reform or make changes without having to incur some costs/debt.

I think this bill is a step in the right direction, with many many more steps to the goal. I personally, am all for socialized medicine because I believe, strongly, that health care is not a privilege but a basic right of humans.

Anyway, I have rambled enough. Thoughts?

Minds On The Edge: Facing Mental Illness

2010-03-20T21:31:00.000-05:00

I first heard about this seminar from my Alma mater. The Social Work program at Union University held a viewing of this seminar. I have tried to get my hands on it since. Well, thankfully it is online.

It is a good seminar on the struggles within the mental health system and what we can do to change some of those things.

http://www.mindsontheedge.org/watch/

A More Personal Blog

2010-03-20T00:59:00.000-05:00

I have been frustrated a lot lately in so many ways.

In so many ways I feel like a failure at life. I won't go into details about all of the ways because, frankly, some of them are too embarrassing for me to talk about.

The past several years have left me feeling the same. It seems that when something good happens- new job, new apartment, new friends, etc- it lasts for about a month and then some stupid thing/situation ruins it. It is like my life is filled with one disaster after another. So, I am scared to get excited about anything new because no sooner do I become excited that something else comes along to dissipate that excitement.

At times I feel as if it doesn't matter what I do, I will never be good enough, whatever good enough means.

I want so desperately to follow my dreams but there are so many things holding me back and I can never seem to stay ahead of them long enough for it to make a difference.

I am tired.
I am frustrated.

I want to go back to a time when the biggest stress in my life was trying to figure out what to wear to school, or whether or not so-and-so was flirting with me or just being nice. I know that is impossible.

I internalize a lot of things that I have been told-good, bad, and ugly. I over-analyze everything. My memory is excellent and I can recall the exact painful words spoken to me or about me by friends, family, and bystanders. But none of that seems to matter.

I am tired of trying to speak and no one wanting to listen. In some cases, even asking a question elicits a negative response. I feel like my voice is being drowned out to the point that I no longer have a voice. What is the point of talking when the person you are trying to talk to so obviously doesn't want to hear what you have to say? I am tired of being asked for my opinion only to have it shut down by the very person that asked for it in the beginning.

So, I have become quiet. For those that know me well, this may come as a shock. I will no longer try to give my opinion, even if it is asked for. I will no longer try to ask a question, even when I don't understand. Instead, I will be quiet. I will conform. I will not dissent or form opinions that are expressed to others.

I will be quiet.

Counseling VS. Advice

2010-03-19T10:33:00.000-05:00

Something that I think is confused a lot of times is the difference between Counseling and Advice. Both clients and therapists alike confuse the two and the confusion can be dangerous.

Counseling is NOT giving advice. Giving advice is NOT counseling.

It is frustrating to hear someone in the counseling field give advice to a client because the purpose of counseling is to help the client work through their own decisions. As a counselor we can give some queues regarding the possible pros and cons to a decision, but we are not to give outright advice as to what we believe the client should decide.

An example of giving outright advice: Client is struggling with the decision as to whether or not she should allow her young daughter to go live with her father. Client feels that this may be beneficial for her and her daughter due to the increased stress that the client is feeling financially and mentally. Counselor/Therapist who has had no interaction with father and has only heard stories about him, gives the advice that the child should not go and live with the father. Counselor is very strongly opinionated on this and continues to reiterate that this would be the best decision.

As a counselor, s/he has just set themselves up for trouble. If the client agrees to follow the advice of the counselor and something goes awry, the counselor is then blamed or held responsible. The therapeutic relationship is lost.

So, how could this have been handled differently?

To begin with, the counselor should have left their opinion to themselves. The counselor could have had the client rationally think through the pros and cons of each decision to arrive at a decision. This would have allowed the client to take ownership of the decision and taught the client a rational method of making decisions. Something else the counselor could have done would be to help the client think of other options that may alleviate stress in the home. In neither case should the counselor make it know what they think should be done.

Perhaps I am way off base. But, in my limited experience, I have found it more beneficial for the client and the therapeutic relationship to allow the client to make the decisions with only gentle guidance through the decision making process.

What are your thoughts?

Too Many Thoughts

2010-03-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

Lately I have had so many thoughts running through my head. I am unable to deal with stress the way I used to and it is beginning to eat at me.

I started a new job about 1.5 months ago. I work as a Case Manager or Co-Therapist for adults with serious mental illnesses. I thought the transition would be easy since the only difference is that I am working with adults instead of kids. Well, I was wrong about it being easy.

Adults are difficult to deal with for many reasons. To begin with, they know their rights. I know that sounds weird and doesn't make a lot of sense, but it is reality. Because they know their rights they know a bit better how to work the system.

For example, an adult cannot be held at a psychiatric hospital for more than 24 hours with an order from a court. So, if an adult checks themselves into a hospital or is placed on a 24 hour hold because they attempted suicide, they are free to leave whenever they want.

The problem with this comes when someone who is having auditory hallucinations wants to leave a hospital against medical advice. Those that are having active and uncontrolled hallucinations are unable to think clearly and rationally enough to make that sort of decision, however, there is no legal reason to commit them to the hospital unless they have stated or are behaving in a manner that suggests they are a harm to themselves or others.

This leaves the family and mental health workers in a bind.

How does this compare to working with kids? Well, kids don't normally know their rights or are not afforded the same rights as adults. So if a kid is hospitalized in order to become stabilized, they are stuck until the hospital discharges them, or at least they think that. So, it makes it easier for the family and those involved.

In the last 1.5 months, I have 2 clients who have voluntarily checked themselves into the hospital. One did so because their other option was jail. One did so because of an overdose. Both of them have tried to check themselves out AMA. And, lucky for me, I was on-call during both of these situations.

When someone tries to check out AMA there is only so much that can be done. If the hospital feels that they are a danger, they can file a commitment petition which will keep them in the hospital under court order until they are stabilized. If the hospital does not feel they are a danger, the family can file a petition to commit the person. The difference is that it is much harder to get someone committed when the doctor doesn't feel that the person is a threat.

I understand why this happens. I mean, what kind of system would we have if we took away the right to deny treatment from someone who was mentally ill. We can't take away that right from someone who has cancer and refuses treatment. But, it still makes things difficult because those that want to help the person are stuck.

Anyway, I am sure I have thoroughly made you bored, so I will end this blog. Thanks for reading!